I attended a very conservative church as a teenager, but left as an adult. Now I’m engaged to a man in the church and I’ve agreed to rejoin the church, but am having a hard time thinking positively about the doctrines and feeling comfortable being a part of it. I’m being judgmental about how backward a lot of it is. My fiance let’s me be me and we get along great, but I’m afraid of how to get along with the others in the church. There’s definitely a difference in values on many social issues. I resent having to wear a dress to church even though I wear dresses to work half the time. I’m also afraid of being judged as being a part of a conservative church by my current community that’s more liberal. Also worrying about how putting that out on social media affects my brand. Basically a lot of internal spinning.
I have been offered leadership opportunities within the church and I believe I can help many women who would not have access to coaching and recovery. But my attitude is very judgmental and I need help choosing thoughts that help me move forward with massive action with being a loving person to them. I like the choice that I’ve made and am happy with it, but I am sabotaging it with my attitude and fears. I also worry that I will offend people over time if I express diametrically opposing views to them as we interact.
I am not being myself and showing up how I would like because I’m afraid of becoming like them and disappointing others. I don’t want to be controlled by them, but my thoughts about them are controlling how I show up.