My brother, whom I will call Maryland, died recently. I have another brother, New Jersey, that has untreated mental health issues and complicated medical problems. Maryland recognized that New Jersey was very lonely and committed himself to keep the lines of communication open and made a place for New Jersey to have someone to talk with by telephone each day.

New Jersey called and left many messages on Maryland’s telephone and sent dozens of texts, often a dozen in one day. I paid for and now have Maryland’s phone and have listened to the messages and read the texts. Many of the communications are pleasant and informative. An equal number of communications are hostile and critical. Maryland kept the lines of communication open anyway, without judgment or retribution.

I have been estranged from New Jersey on and off for many years, as I am not adept at receiving his communications that swing from one side to another. After Maryland’s death, I tried to keep the communication lines open with New Jersey because I understood his grief and loneliness.

After a few weeks, I decided it was in my own best interest to block New Jersey’s communications, as his communications became increasingly hostile toward me.

I understand that my interpretations of New Jersey’s words as hostile, critical, aggressive, etc. are my “spin” on his words – I have thoughts about his words…

My models on this look like the following:

C- New Jersey writes words in texts
T- The words are hurtful
F – Angry
A- Ruminate
R -?

C- New Jersey writes words in texts
T – I should block New Jersey
F – Relieved
A – Ruminate about whether there is a way to keep communication open
R -?

New Jersey is morbidly obese, has untreated mental health issues, and is isolated and lonely. I want to be a communication place with him, but I do not think it is possible to do so without sacrificing my own mental health.

Can you help me create a new model that will help me love my brother without communicating with him?

Thank you.