As a response to your question: “What would it look like if you didn’t believe you were stuck in this and that this is the normal part of allowing urges? What would be different?” Could you please explain what allowing urges means? Do you mean text him and just go for it? Or just let the discomfort of experiencing wanting him but not text him set in?

Quick update, I reached out to another ex, then I realized that this has really nothing to do with my exes, but with how I want to just share this weight with someone else. It’s too heavy to carry it on my own.

My unintentional model is:
C: Work
T: It’s too hard for me
F: inadequate, insecure, dumb, useless
A: escape, look for distractions, talk to my exes
R: I get the temporary relief, depend on other people to carry this weight, and I reinforce the belief that I can’t do it on my own.

My goal is to go to this intentional model:
C: Work
T: It’s a great privilege to be sitting in a room full of smart people I can learn from.
F: Enthusiastic, determined, energetic, committed
A: Learn continuously, deliver my job
R: Enjoy working

I’ve been working on jumping to the intentional model for 2 months already. I believe I’ve planted seeds in my brain to accommodate these thoughts, but I still find myself wanting to buffer. Am I requiring too much from myself? Can I simply not switch to another thought? I thought that was instantly possible if I just decide.