C: I said “can we chat on the phone or FT later? I feel a bit distant and I don’t like it.” Boyfriend said “I’m just having a tired annoyed day…it’s not you but is it ok if we just hangout tomorrow…I’m not feeling up for a facetime. That’s a me thing not you”
T: He’s thinking of how to break up with me
F: worried
A: reread our text messages looking for signs of happiness or dissatisfaction, ruminate about what I might have done wrong, distance myself, say okay to giving him space, write models, go buy some coffee beans, I’m not present
R: I break up with myself (ie: I’m not present in my life), and I disconnect with him in my mind. I don’t show up as the most loving version of myself.
I have a manual here that says “he should want to facetime me”. The truth is that he shouldn’t want to facetime me, and I know this because he said he doesn’t want to.
If I didn’t have this thought “he should want to facetime me”, I’d happily give him space. The best version of myself would decide to trust him and his words, and I would also trust that even if he DID want to break up with me that I could have my own back and handle it.
My worry is still there in the background.
Neutralize: It makes total sense that I’d have the thought that “he’s thinking of breaking up with me”. I have very valid reasons to have some concern. This feels true. It’s also true that I can handle the vibration of some worry or discomfort in my body. It doesn’t have to go away, I can have some vibrations of worry AND some vibrations of trust at the same time.
Thinking to the work on the manual, if he wanted to facetime with me I’d get to feel “reassured”. I can see that I have to create the feeling of reassured for myself.
What I WANT him to say is “I love you, and this has nothing to do with you”, which he kind of has said and I’m choosing not to believe him. I think that I have to tell MYSELF this.
C: I ask boyfriend for facetime and he declines
T: I love you, and this has nothing to do with you – I 100% promise.
F: Reassured
A: Take a bath, drink some water, take some vitamins, plan tomorrow, watch tv with my mom. Give him the space he has asked for AND love him unconditionally no matter what he might be thinking.
R: I show myself love
I don’t fully believe this model, since I kind of DO think it has to do with me. But alternatively, I CAN believe that I will be okay with or without him. That actually gives me a lot of relief.
C: I ask boyfriend for facetime and he declines
T: I will be totally okay both with and without him
F: Relieved
A: Take a bath, drink some water, take some vitamins, plan tomorrow, watch tv with my mom. Give him the space he has asked for AND do my own thing tonight.
R: I am okay in this moment
This feels much better. Open to feedback!
