Hello, my husband is a surgeon. 2.5 years ago he had a panic attack and stopped working due to anxiety and shaky hands. He has since learned he has severe debilitating depression and anxiety. I have been working for two years to keep things going. As of last fall I felt like he was finally ready to get a job and he committed to start working in January. That didn’t happen. I am still working. I have set an initial boundary of not becoming the permanent breadwinner by telling him I want to work less and am willing to sell our home if necessary–so that we can have less expenses and I can be with our children while they’re young. He has been doing therapy since everything came to a head and has made a lot of progress–but in my head if he has time to play 15-20 hours of video games / week he has time to get a job, or work towards getting a job (in a new field, as he doesn’t want to be a surgeon anymore).

He finally updated his resume in February. He promises that he wants to work again but besides internet research here and there, networking but never following through on leads, he isn’t spending a lot of time–if any–looking for jobs. He is a nice person but lately loved family and friends have been voicing concern over my health and well being–implying that he should start working. This didn’t phase me for a while, but recently I have been wondering–is my ability to work and earn a living enabling my husband to do the opposite? I understand that working isn’t the only sign of one’s progress or contribution to a marriage. I just don’t know what questions to ask myself to get an answer. If I ask him directly he always says no. Help please!