Choosing love

How do you choose love when you’re at the point where you have a rich fantasy life about what you would do if your husband would just leave or die? I feel like there’s a ton of thoughts that would have to be flipped and I still wouldn’t get what I wanted, there would still be no intimacy, and I’d still be living in the middle of nowhere (literally, there’s a pineapple farm across the street), isolated with my entire social life online. I’m also just feeling really angry, and I’m not sure how to even begin to change the years of thoughts that got me here. Help.