I went through fertility treatment that didn’t work out and the doctor really promoted the donor egg path. I just don’t want to do that and I’m angry that that’s my only option. I hate this option for a lot of reasons. I want the kid to look like me and have my family’s characteristics, not those of some random woman. I don’t feel like a child made that way would ever be mine. Plus, I don’t think the women selling the eggs are donors. They are egg vendors.

What do I tell a child made this unnatural way without love? You are a semi test tube baby? I’m not your bio mom, but more like a surrogate mom, but you are related to your dad and I’m like a semi-mom, or mom-like figure? I’m your mentor? I grew you in my body, but I was more like an oven? I just don’t know who I’d be in a family structure like that and fooling myself with “I’m the child’s mom” is getting rejected by my brain. I feel backed into a corner.

My other choice is adoption, and at least there would be no weirdness explaining to the child how they came into the world. I do want a family, but I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to use a donor egg. It feels like a business transaction and highly clinical. Do I keep photos of how unnaturally this child was made? And what if the donor mom comes back into the picture much later on? People feel a tie to their genetic relatives, which is totally human and natural. And I worry I wouldn’t feel connected to a child made this way and that I wouldn’t really feel like a real mom. I’ve been stopped at this point since November of 2021. Just don’t know what to do if this is my one of two options and I hate it.