Dad in ICU

My dad admitted himself to the hospital because he is a severe alcoholic and was feeling very badly. Yesterday he got admitted into the ICU because he had developed sepsis and could barely breathe. Now he is on a ventilator fighting for his life.

I cannot visit him due to Covid and he is in another state. I am the contact between the hospital and the rest of my family. I have also let people know via social media, asking for thoughts and prayers.

I am trying to allow my feelings but the main feeling I am having is extreme irritation. My business partner asked if I wanted to work on our project today…. I was like “are you kidding me? My dad is fighting for his life!” I didn’t say that out loud… but I thought it.

Then a bunch of people are reaching out to see if I want to talk or feel better. My main response is to feel irritable — I guess I feel like people want things from me and I just want to be left alone and not have to give everyone more information. I don’t want to feel irritated by people trying to be there for me… but that’s what is there. Is irritation just covering up a different emotion (sadness/anger) that I can’t get to right now? I feel numb.. and annoyed.