I was working on a model and struggling to come up with a result. I notice that my actions weren’t quite fitting with my feeling and I think it’s possible I was pausing the model and taking action in spite of negative emotion. I’m trying to focus on building clean models and really want to see what I was creating for myself in this model.

C: My husband didn’t clean the washer after use. It had detergent buildup and dog hair.
T: I wish he had the same standard as me
F: Frustrated
A: Considered educating him on the need to clean the washer – realized he would see it as a critique and decided it wasn’t worth hurting him, Recognized ‘cleaning the washer’ was my standard and manual and not his, I cleaned out the washer – energy was light as if it wasn’t even a problem; Ruminate on how we both agree we like a clean home, but he doesn’t fulfill his end; Noticed my desire for partnership being 50/50 and when it’s not 50/50 the loneliness sets in; Question why I always have to be the one to do things; Tell myself it’s not fair, he gets breaks; Convince myself that in order for things to get done I have to do them;
R: Argue with Reality? Don’t evaluate my standard?

I can see that some of my actions are initiated by the feeling of frustration, but appear to shift from a place of compassion – like deciding not to ‘educate’ my husband and recognizing it was my manual not his. These seemed to come from a place of peace, even cleaning out the washer myself.

As I reflect on my results, it almost seems like I don’t create realistic standards for myself. What I mean by that is my husband and I talk regularly about sharing responsibilities now that I’ve returned to the workforce. I don’t want to do everything myself, but it seems like the only way to get things done is for me to do them.

There’s this layer of guilt as I’m trying to balance work and life, but I can’t get to it all and need my husband to help. He agreed and is not holding up his end of the agreement. I realize I have manuals for him, but what if I want to have my manuals? If I don’t have my manuals, then things don’t get done. But I guess they are not getting done either way, catch 22.