My last very insightful coach on AAC probed further into my comments about “feeling fat”.

Coach: It may be helpful to dismantle the possible faphobia here. Why is feeling “fat” a problem? Why is feeling “fat” even a thing? (Answer those.)

Me: Yes, I do think I have an internalized fatphobia, 100%. I don’t want to, but I’m TERRIFIED of getting fat. Question #1. Why is feeling “fat” a problem? (Please forgive me for how crass my answers are). Well, I think that fat is a terrible thing to be. I think it means that you’re lazy, unattractive, don’t take care of yourself, and that you’re going to be picked last for everything, and that nobody is ever truly going to love me unless they are equally fat. I think that being fat means that I’m gross and disgusting, and that nobody will ever love me. I wish I didn’t think these things – they indeed keep me stuck in the terror of becoming fat, which actually occupies way more of my brain than I’d like it to.

Coach: Why is feeling “fat” even a thing?

Me: I guess it’s a thing because I have an increased awareness of certain parts of my body. I notice bulging and jiggling, and I’m hyper aware of making sure that it doesn’t get “out of control” for the reasons specified above (ie: fatphobia, fear that I’m unloveable and lazy etc. if I’m fat).

I really don’t want to be fatphobic, but I do think that my thoughts about fatphobia are mostly true – for ME. I don’t think they’re true of others. I also generally DO think it’s unhealthy to be overweight, and I’m not really on board with the whole health at every size thing (except in certain circumstances).

I guess that being fat can mean other things besides “lazy and unloveable”. It could also mean:

– The person has a legitimate metabolic disorder
– The person is stuck in the diet/binge mentality brought on by our society
– The person has an eating disorder
– The person is uneducated about how to manage their mind around food
– The person is numbing their emotions with food due to trauma
– The person is going through a difficult time emotionally
– The person is addicted to sugar and refined carbs
– The person likes to eat foods that cause fat to accumulate on the body
– The person might not even want to lose weight
– The person doesn’t care about what society thinks about them
– The person gained weight at some point in their life and doesn’t know how to get it off

I’m not exactly sure if that’s helpful for me, but I can actually label the “I feel fat” thought as an “intrusive thought programmed into my brain by society” when it comes up.

Open to any insights!