I have a severe fear of contracting HIV as well as an obsessive thought that I might already have it, although I am not in a high risk category. I’ve done a few models on it, but still feel very stuck.
T: Having or getting HIV means I will never be in a romantic relationship again
A: don’t go on dates or even consider a relationship because that would mean I might have the urge to have sex, which would then mean I might get HIV
R: I don’t give myself a chance for a romantic relationship
C: one unprotected sexual encounter one year ago with friend who has said the words “I do not have HIV”
T: I have HIV
A: don’t take a test to avoid the thoughts/feelings I’ll have if it’s positive. google stories about HIV+ people living normal lives. google statistics. demonize sex all together. obsess. worry.
I want to find the strength to take the test, but I am terrified it’s positive. Then I go into a further shame cycle because I want to be a sex positive individual like I once was. I don’t want to continue to perpetuate the negative stigma that goes along HIV. I don’t want to be scared of sex or a doctor’s visit. I’m also afraid to take the test because I’m a little nervous I will become addicted to taking them or I won’t believe the result, and it won’t actually accomplish anything. The thoughts/worries seem out of control and constant. The worrying feels extremely important, even though my higher brain knows it’s not. I feel weak minded.