I wrote down what will happen if I fail.
* acute embarrassment – them and me and audience
* reputation diminished
* can’t live with self
* truly feel death possible death of part of me because I won’t be able to face my peers or myself again.
* I will have to disappear no option.
*An opportunity lost because thoughts prevented me from potential. There would be no other solution.
I know these are extreme thoughts and perpetuating my fear.
Then I say So what! Who cares if I fail. It’s nothing in the big picture of life. But I care. I care that I failed at this level. Yes, It’s none of my business how ‘they’ judge my work. But I care about how I judge my work. I want to feel proud of what I do.
I did think I was allowing the fear vibration bodily. It is certainly very present and constant. But I also know the thoughts are repeating and keeping me in the fear. Damn it.
My models can become insignificant and rote.
The concept of creating work from a future self is intriguing to me and could help me intervene. I don’t quite know how to approach that. I thought it could help shift this fear loop.