Hi Brooke,

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months a few days ago. I saw how he treated people whom he actually loved (his friends/family) and how it contrasted with how he treated me. He would always be on his phone when we were together and would literally not respond if I asked him a question while he was looking at it (even though he heard and was just looking at how many likes his most resent picture got). He always kept a distance emotionally and was almost never there when I needed him. He never said “I love you” to me but would tell literally everyone else (including my landlord’s dog). I felt lonely when we were together and he told me that I was too needy and just wanted someone to lean on. I know I’m making his actions mean that he doesn’t care about me. I know I’m making his lack of saying “I love you” mean that I’m less lovable than a dog that he’s met twice. I would constantly do a model and change my thought but it would only work temporarily and I found myself ruminating over the situation so much and doing so many models I barely had time for anything else!
I left because even though I know that it was my thoughts about all of these things that was the problem, I was tired of having to do so much thought work on the same thing all the time.
Is it bad to want someone to lean on? I want a partner who can be vulnerable emotionally. Who wants to work on goals together, at least the goals that effect both of us. I know I’m responsible for my own feelings but if I believe these thoughts serve me does it make sense to leave a relationship that doesn’t fill these boxes? He is himself which is who I want him to be but he doesn’t meet my needs. I know I could change my needs but I don’t want to. Is the only way to be happy to change them? Or not expect anyone to fit them? I guess ultimately what I’m asking is if it’s okay to leave a relationship that I know I could change my thoughts about but don’t really want to? Or if I find a different relationship will I fall back into this same place?
Is that me creating a manual? I feel like it is because it’s asking him to be different so I can be happier (I know this won’t work). I realize that I can’t change him but I don’t want to change me. I want an all in partner and don’t want to change that thought because I think it does serve me. I want a partner who will put his phone down when we are on a date and not pick up a phone call when we’re having sex. I know my ex won’t ever be that. I love him but I don’t want to be with him. Is that wrong since the reason I don’t want to be with him is because I have expectations that he doesn’t fill that I don’t want to change? Is it okay to know that I have these thoughts and don’t want to change them? Is it okay to leave a relationship because I simply don’t want to do the thought work necessary to change my feelings about it?
What about compatibility? I haven’t heard you talk about this before. If I was more naturally compatible with someone I feel like I’d have to work on my thoughts less and would be happier. I realize this is just a thought too! Ahhhh! I’m confusing myself now.

Thank you!