My husband works in a very demanding consulting job – usually 80 hours a week and is away from home from Monday to Thursday. With the current ban on international travel he has been working from home and working even harder because of his current project – up to 100 hours a week.
Even though I understand intellectually that he is under a lot of stress and the project will end at some point, I still feel angry and rejected because he cannot take even 10 minutes in the day to have a decent conversation with me. Connecting over mealtimes is very important to me and he just rushes through meals without bothering to engage. I know that “my spouse should engage in conversation with me” is a manual but feel stuck trying to think other thoughts.
C: Spouse works 100 hours a week.
T: My spouse SHOULD be making time to talk to me and listen to me or he is rejecting me / our relationship
F: Angry / resentful
A: Withdraw emotionally, find other outlets for validation (invest a lot more time into our daughter, other family members, friends), second guess choice to be in this relationship (should I have chosen a guy who is much better at having conversations and not as busy), not wanting to spend time with him
R: I am rejecting our relationship ahead of time to avoid the negative emotions this brings up
The thing is, I don’t believe the opposite thought that “a spouse should not spend time with me”. And while I know the reasons why he happens to not have time for me now, I still feel slighted and rejected. Should the intentional model be to stop looking for validation from my spouse – why do I need someone to listen and talk to me for me to feel good about myself? But if I am able to 100% validate myself without needing inputs from spouse, why would I need a spouse??
Intentional model (which I don’t quite know if I’m there yet)
C: Spouse works 100 hours a week.
T: I will validate myself and take care of own my needs even if he doesn’t currently much time to spend with me
F: Self sufficient.
A: Show up better to support him during this stressful time for him
R: Stronger relationship with self and spouse
