Finding feelings

Hey Brooke,
Most of the time, I walk around feeling kind of “blah.” Like mildly sad, all the time. Not really sad, not really happy. If I’m in a better mood (when I take my fish oil and vitamins), I feel more “neutral” or “a little bit pleasant.” If I forget my supplements, I feel mildly sad and just carry that around like a purse (since I’ve cut way down on the buffering). I have had isolated moments where I feel true happiness and true sadness, but most of the time I’m like “meh.”

Also sometimes all the self examination makes me feel sadder. For example, working through all the recent examples in my life where I have felt self pity, in the podcast book. I felt sad examining my self pity. If that makes sense. : P

So, I’m finding the February work challenging, since my dominant feeling most days feels like either nothing, neutral, or “kind of sad.”

I would love to feel more motivated and energized every day, and feel excited about life, but I have trouble coming up with thoughts to generate these emotions. I write things down like, “I can do hard things,” “I can learn new things,” etc. but they don’t feel real to me.

And if self esteem is truly the opposite of self pity, I would love some help coming up with thoughts to generate self esteem that are believable.
For example,
C: Husband’s job will go away in September.
T: I should try to get a job too, but I’ve been out of the workforce too long, who would hire me.
F: Worried, sad
A: Do nothing, just worry
R: No progress

I’m not sure self pity is happening here, since I take full responsibility for my life choices, and the fact that I have been out of the work force for a long time. It is nobody’s fault but mine.
But …. feeling like I’m unhireable definitely feels like the opposite of self esteem, if you know what I mean.

I guess I’d love some clarity on how to make the February work better and more believable for me.