My 2018 impossible goal is to make 12 new friends. Socially, I’ve held myself back and not left my comfort zone for most of my life. I went to an event tonight that I may have otherwise skipped. I would have skipped it because of all of the things I would have said and shouldn’t have said, because I feel inferior, because of fear of rejection or fear of what others will think of me.

In so many ways, I “failed” tonight. I was the only person that didn’t eat cake (super fancy, beautiful cake). I put my foot in my mouth several different times and other people (unintentionally) put down things about my life. My mind is currently filled with thoughts about what others are thinking of me. I feel very anxious about all of it, but also proud of myself for putting myself out there. I also had some good conversations and made connections, so it wasn’t all failure.

The thought/fear that has come up with the planning for this goal and with this event is this feeling that people are going to figure me out … find out that I’m not perfect. When I rationally think about it, I understand that I’m not perfect and just human, but I still feel a lot of shame and fear or rejection when I think about others seeing this in me. So this is my model …

C: Social situations
T: They’re going to figure out that I’m not perfect and won’t accept me.
F: fear, shame
A: not attending events, or not being able to be authentic at events
R: No one is given the opportunity to get to know me

I’m going through these social situations with this model going, but also have other thoughts going that are allowing me to be more authentic in my actions (not overeating, not over drinking, initiating conversations). I know I have many more events ahead of me to find this out, but is this fear of rejection something that will get weaker with practice being out of my comfort zone?