I posted earlier in the month about being abused my big brother and last month I posted the where/how to start question where I told you about my past. Your replies have been really helpful so far and I’m learning to stop blaming myself or feeling guilt over the abuse.
I still feel like I’m different from other people and abnormal in some way but I will work on creating better thoughts that serve me. I choose to feel strong and proud of myself for stopping the abuse now instead of blaming myself or my parents.
I’m still working on believing I am lovable and likeable and my past has no impact on that. I’ve started working on being vulnerable and learning to trust people, I told the guy I liked about my past and although I don’t think he feels the same way about me, we have become closer as friends and I’m happy about that as that was the result I wanted when I did the model, my result was I want to be closer to him and for him to understand me better.
Part of me thinks I’ve trapped him and burdened him in some way and he has to be nice to me now cause I told him about my past and he’s only doing it out of pity – I’m not sure if this cause of my thoughts I’m not likeable or lovable or I’m indulging in self pity. Every time he is nice to me, I feel bad and guilty cause I told him the truth. I keep wanting to push him away in these moments as I’m not used to letting people in and I think I need to have my guard up. I don’t want to think I can depend on him or rely upon on him.
My other friend who I told and trusted, told me she needed a break from me when I was talking to her today about not being sure whether I wanted to tell my mum, she told me she needed a break from me, i want to put my guard back up now and I’m using this as evidence for my old thoughts that I can’t trust people and everyone let’s me down at some point.
I just started to learn how to be vulernable and trust people but now my brain is shouting see I told you this would happen, you shouldn’t have trusted her and let her in, she’s hurt you now. I worried about trusting the guy now as I only told him yesterday and now I feel like my other friend let me down and I made a mistake by thinking I could trust and depend on people. I know I need to be an emotional adult here but I don’t know what thoughts to have where I take responsibility instead of blaming her for me wanting to protect myself again and for feeling bad, I know my thoughts and feelings are down to me. She wants to be friends again but I feel hesitant.
I want to be more future focussed but I have one area where indulge in confusion, I love the idea that the future is my property and I can create what I like but I’m blaming my Indian culture and living with my parents/their rules that i don’t have freedom or control over my life. I know they want me to marry a boy from the same religion and I have to follow their rules as culturally it’s expected and have to live with them until you find your life partner. Part of me thinks I need to leave home so I can feel free and do whatever i want but the other part of me doesn’t want to hurt them and I don’t want to leave them. I sometimes want to tell my mum so she can understand me as I have thoughts we aren’t as close now and she doesn’t know why I’m feeling the way i do about marriage and I want to be able to do whatever I want and marry whoever I want. The other part of me doesn’t want to hurt her by telling her what my brother did
I’m going to fall myself PG so you know it’s me in the future x