I was in a 2 year relationship. We were both married to other people initially. I left my marriage along the way (not for the boyfriend; for myself). He was moving towards leaving his marriage. We were actively planning our life together. He got scared and decided he couldn’t do the hard things required to leave. Worried about all the shoulds. He decided to stay married and lied to me about it. We had 2 tumultuous months of the truth gradually coming out. I was devastated in a way I have never been before. I finally regained some equilibrium and was practicing thoughts like “I was in love with a version of him that doesn’t exist” and “he isn’t the person I want to be with” and “I have learned so much through this experience.” I was starting to date some other people. Then the boyfriend came back to me. Said he had done a lot of thinking and realized that he can’t live the disingenuous life he was living. He couldn’t stay married just because it’s easier than getting divorced. He couldn’t lie to his wife and pretend to be engaged in a relationship with her while he was in love with me. So we had a lot of conversations. He pleaded and promised that he wants to be with me and that he won’t ever lie to me again. He’s moved out of his house and will be filing divorce paperwork within weeks.
I am still in love with him. I want to be with him. I want the expansive life we dreamed about together. But I’m scared that I will get hurt again. I’m terrified that he will lie to me or change his mind. I’m a little older and I have a lot of insecurity coming up about not being good enough, him getting tired of me, etc.
I’m trying to get to the thought that it’s worth the risk to see if we can have something amazing and also that I am the most amazing woman and partner to him. In dating other people I realized that they seem to get wrapped up in me quickly and I’m not ready for that, and I need time to either get over this guy or move forward with him. But I always go back to fear and insecurity and I’m having trouble dealing with that.