Handling emotional parenthood episodes

Parenting two teenage girls is one of my biggest challenges. Often times I am emotional and reactive and mostly with my older child. Overall she is sweet, intelligent, amazing and 15. I had two episodes with her this week. Whatever the conversation was, my words or my part of conversation gets disregarded and it’s not helpful in any way with her. I honestly can’t tell if she’s searching for help or just wants to be heard…. She seems to deny anything I offer, explanation, solutions, observations, etc… This bothers me and I get very frustrated, but I have a hard time figuring out the thoughts. I want to know the steps how to listen to your mind, especially in the moments that lead to these moments of anxiety and frustration with each other…. I would like to know how to figure out these thoughts that lead to my emotions that are so concentrated- How can I catch them, recognize them and change them?