I am having a hard time caring about things I wish I cared a little bit more about. “Apathetic” is in almost every F line of every model. I even feel apathetic about my apathetic models.

For example:

C: My body
T: I won’t lose weight, but I’m already healthy and sexy, so there’s no point
F: Apathetic
A: Eat what I want, don’t make a full effort in workouts, maintain current weight
R: I don’t lose weight or honor my desires

I see that result, and I really continue not to care at all. I wish I did! It’s like I want the R to be “gets to goal weight and honors my desires,” but not bad enough, apparently. It’s as if my desire to keep my A-line the same is higher than my desire to get a new R.

And this apathetic feeling bleeds into all areas of my life, not just weight loss. I find everything quite boring and goals to be useless. I guess you could say I’m feeling quite satisfied in the cave. Everything is fine. Setting and achieving goals sounds a little fun, but also just not worth my energy. I guess my “why”s behind my desires are not strong enough.

I’m just riding that middle line between 50/50, and that’s fine. But I don’t want it to be fine! I want to care! I feel numb.