Here is the story: I asked my husband if he would like to share half a grapefruit with me. He said yes, but only if I (he) can use the grapefruit spoon. I said No, I am using it. (At this point, I am half joking with him, and not really taking his request serious, because I think it is rather silly). The mood turns when he gets angry with me for not complying and starts to lecture me, “Now, I want you to think about this Arleen, if it was you that was asking me, what do you think I would do? How would I behave to your request?
I said, “you would probably give me the spoon to use.”
“That’s right!” he said, “I always think of your needs first, and you never ever think of me, you are selfish… at which point I cut him off and stated, “So why you are really pissed off is that I am not complying with your request, so you have a need to start lecturing me on how selfish I am over a grapefruit spoon! Really, this is what we are fighting about?”
1st model
C – Husband made a request to use a spoon
T – I don’t want to let him use it because I am using it.
F – surprised
A – I said No.
R – didn’t comply with this his request.
I have no problem with this model – so I wouldn’t’ change anything.
2nd model
C – Husband starts to lecture me
T – So now because I am not doing what you want, you lecture me, and try to convince me how selfish I am.
F – angry
A – I interrupted him and stopped him from further lecturing me.
R – he stops.
So, this to me, is my husband’s manual on how he wants me to behave.
I believe that this scenario jumped from my husband’s manual to one of a boundary issue. (Correct me if I am wrong)
My goal is to understand a better way that I could have handled it without getting angry. I don’t want to go back and think, I should have just let him use the spoon. I want to work from the second model and I do not want a lecture on how he thinks I should behave.
C – Husband starts to lecture me
T – You do not get to speak to me this way.
F – empowered
A – Tell him how I feel about how he just spoke to me, and set a boundary that if he ever speaks to me that way again, I will leave the room.
R – R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Thoughts?