How much control with teens?

Unlike husbands we teach kids. We get to show kids how to behave. But as they grow into teens how does this transition where they make their own choices?

I will model a specific parenting issue.

Here is my model:

C:Husband snacks in the evening. After dinner he makes peanut butter snadwichs or eats bowl of cereal. He picks up snack food from store and takes in basement with teenage son after dinner.
Son watches TV and snacks with dad in basement. 10 year old daughter in evening has started helping herself to food from fridge. I never snack in evening. I did not grow up snacking. I set limits with kids and have meal times for family.
T: my husband is setting me up to be the controlling one
F: resentful
if rich iniates snacking i dont stop kids from participating
when husband is gone i do not allow snacking
I resist kids
I think Rich could do better
I ruminate on situation
I worry kids resent me
R: i am the controlling one

I feel like i have so many thoughts and could share several models on this (and other parenting situations).

My question however is as kids grow into teens how much control do you relinquish? We have been divided on this and several issues so kids get different messages from me and dad. Community, family and friends homes seem to validate dads way.

Is there a point i quit teaching kids/setting boundaries as kids grow into teens?