How to Deal with the Sadness of ‘Losing’ my Siblings and Stop Blaming Myself

Dear Brooke,

I had an opportunity to be coached by you recently regarding the pain I have been feeling over the past few years due to the fact that my brother and sisters want no contact with me.

It was an amazing experience and I thank you. You helped me understand that not only do I have no control over their choices, but that when I respect this particular choice of theirs a space is freed up for me to feel less judgemental and angry, and more loving and at peace.

However, a part of me still feels that I am the sole cause of this rift in our relationship, and that they are right when they call me horrible names (loser, liar, user, crazy, disgusting, whore) and ridicule me to friends and family. Another part of me believes I am not the terrible things they say I am, and that their reaction is a result of the highly abusive and dysfunctional family we grew up in. yet I can’t seem to ditch the bad thoughts and stop beating myself up about this circumstance.

Another feeling that is still strong inside me regarding both of them is sadness. I miss them and the great times we had together when we were close friends. I often find myself dreaming of such a future and wishing it could be that way again. While there were also difficulties in our relationships since childhood (blaming, manipulation, and even violence toward me), I can’t seem to find new thoughts when I use the model that will get out of this cycle of imagining a great relationship and then feeling sad and lonely and a sense of loss in not having it. Now that the anger is gone (thanks to the coaching session) the sadness and longing feel more intense.

Please help! Thank you…