This is my current model:
C: R is getting married, W accepted different job, V and I broke up/I am single, haven’t heard back from application
T: It’ll never get better
A: find a ton of evidence, withdraw from family and friends, think about not wanting to be alive, don’t make plans, don’t follow Monday hour one, don’t journal, don’t self coach, find evidence that I don’t belong/that I’m unwanted/ that I’m all alone, buffer with food and game on phone, compare myself to everyone else
R: I don’t get better, I stay in this place of heaviness
Physically hopelessness feels very heavy (like I’m carrying 100 pounds on my chest that’s pulling me forward), I cry over every thing, find it hard to focus on anything and am really struggling going through the motions. I have to be around people today – and pretend like I’m fine (it’s a wedding I’m in) and I can’ stop crying.
My self coaching mostly brought up how alone I feel and finding evidence of life being hard and feeling like it’ll never get better. Logically I know this is my primal brain but it feels so loud and so true that I don’t feel like I can combat it or sprinkle fairy dust around to make it go away. Feeling the emotion (with a hefty side of self judgement and resistance) feels unbearable.