I haven’t been following through on my business work, goal to declutter home, and other goals, and I just became aware of a pattern of mine. I learned I have the belief (that I picked up early on from observing the world, like time outs and being grounded), that the way to correct “wrong” behavior is with punishment (negative consequences). I’ll share the two models that are feeding off each other:

C: Missing deadlines in my business
T: The way to correct these mistakes are with punishment
F: Justified
A: Mentally yell at self for messing up and failing, remind self of all flaws and all the times I’ve made this mistake, question what’s wrong with me, demand I do better and follow through
R: I try to use punishment and making myself feel bad to correct my not following through

C: Above model
T: Something is wrong with me
F: Shame
A: Don’t work and don’t do the thing I want to get done, avoid my emotions, reflect on all the things I’ve “done wrong,” buffer with watching TV and food or staying busy with other things
R: I do the “wrong” thing by not doing the tasks I wanted to do. Reinforce need for “correcting behavior”

I’ve honestly really taught myself I don’t have my own back. Because if I fail, I know this is the pattern that follows. This has been really interesting to gain this awareness of how I’m self sabotaging. It’s a fresh discovery, so I’m still trying to explore and poke holes in this.