Husband – Don’t trust with money

My husband took out credit cards to solve for his not having enough money to pay the bills. We’ve always split things up, but he made more money so his contribution was greater than mine. He also really likes to spend money. So, when Covid hit and he got a pay cut (which is no longer in affect) he racked up $30K in credit card debt in addition to other bills he pays for. Now his income is entirely taken up by debt. He is negative in his account when he gets paid.

I don’t agree with him with how he’s handled money. I feel he should have found a different job, or stopped paying the credit cards.

To deal with the debt and to free up his income we decided to sell our house. This was hard for me as I would not have sold it if it weren’t for the debt. We are moving to a smaller home and will be renting. Now my husband uses our joint account (I’m the only one who puts money in there) to pay for food. I’m fine with that except that the food is all from restaurants and is costing me $50-100/day. When I talk to him about this he says that it can’t be changed because his son (18 yr old stepson) has an eating disorder (which is true – he was hospitalized last year). The son only eats something if its fast food or something he chooses (never eats at home). And even then, he may not eat it.

As soon as we get our giant lump of money from the house sale we are paying off the debt and THEN I’m closing the joint account. The anxiety of seeing my account balance go down because of all the “necessary eating out” is so upsetting to me.

I’m very angry and resentful towards my husband. I don’t trust him with money and we are about to get a lot of it from the house sale. I just want to separate myself from his bad habits but because we are married I can’t. I also do not want to divorce my husband. I believe we can work through this issue together but its very tough. When we talk about money I have all this anger and negative emotion toward him and I’d like to be more neutral and compassionate, but also protect myself from him just spending all of the money I make and put in the joint account. I don’t even know where to begin with my intense anger and resentment. 🙁