I deserve better

Throughout my life, I can hear and have become aware that I have a thought, “I deserve a better life.” Every time certain things happen I say this. I also have in a lot of areas come from lack and also victimhood mentality from my upbringing that I’ve worked hard to overcome. In my journaling this morning, I’m writing yet again “I deserve better than this” after an argument over something so stupid, in my opinion. My daughter bought my husband a hammock for Father’s Day. While I agreed with the purchase when she presented it to me and thought it was nice, I intended it for the lawn. He put it together and he wanted it on our deck, because he didn’t want to constantly move it, mess up the grass, or have the sprinkler mess it up. He thought it would be inconvenient. So our deck already has furniture on it, and it didn’t look good on the deck nor did I think it should be there.  There’s no room, and it looks stupid in my opinion. So when I saw him putting it together, I thought I should say something. I didn’t want it on the deck; if that was the only option, I didn’t want it. I already mentioned this to him when he got it and mentioned he was putting it on the deck. I told him that I don’t want it on the deck. It’s not for the deck it’s for the lawn.

After he put it up, I said if that’s where it’s staying I want it returned. Well, that all turned into a full-blown situation… I’m so mean and why would you hurt her feelings and on and on. My husband got pissed off and so did my daughter. I’m being blamed and attacked (in my opinion). So much so it was like a constant attack on me. Over and over like “he didn’t sit on it for 5 minutes,”  “that is my gift,”  I said to get it in the first place, I’m so mean, how I didn’t get him anything, and I am being ridiculous. While I can acknowledge that I was blunt and truthful about my wishes, and maybe I didn’t sugarcoat it. I also didn’t want to say it 3 days later when maybe we can’t return it, especially since it was expensive. Also, this is not a little kid. This is a 26 yr old child. While that doesn’t excuse me, I think everyone was adult enough

Yet to me — it’s not okay. I didn’t want it on the deck, but it’s okay that he didn’t want it on the grass. I think that’s the part where I feel this was not fair. I get the 50/50, but I can see I’m never gonna live this down. He was nasty, pissed off, and reckless. He took it all apart and returned it last night. My other two weren’t home. Previously my daughter sent the family in a text a pic of him laying in it. This led to a text back saying, “looks early retirement soon!” My daughter responded, “Nope. He was in it for 5 min, and mom said she didn’t want it,” and on and on about how I was so mean, and I was screaming (was NOT at all), etc, etc

I could have conversations with my family, but it will likely fall on deaf ears. They say that you teach people how to treat you, but I think I’ve done more than my share of everything that I could for my family. Yet any conversation I have, it’s a constant argument of who’s right and who’s wrong and how it’s always me. Some days I wish I could walk away because I feel they are always saying something about me. All my kids are adults who I love dearly but they aren’t always very nice to me. The words that fly out of their mouth are how it’s my fault, blaming me for things. I see how I blame them for my feelings, and it’s my thought that they should treat me better. It’s not because I do everything for them in the house: meals and everything in between. It’s not so much for them to like me more, but I believe this is what moms do because I was raised that way.

Am I not taking responsibility? Am I blaming them for everything? I do understand that it’s my thought causing my feelings. I was fine last night. I was reminded when I was out to dinner that night. The conversation led to me doing something wrong, saying something wrong, or constantly being made fun of for how I speak or something.

I’m constantly reminded that I suck when I don’t.

I realize there is a ton of drama here, but I wanted you to see the context of it all. I think I’m too in it to see it other than I’m making myself feel like a victim and blaming them for “my life,” which is much deeper than that. I don’t feel like any of them respect or treat me as I wish to be treated. What am I missing here???? How does this sum up what I taught them how to treat me? That seems so far from the truth. I’ve been dedicated and loving. I have tried my very best to raise them the best I could under certain very stressful situations throughout my life that no one would want.

Yet everyone blames me for like everything no matter what the situation may be. But I get it. I’m blaming them. Do I actually have a thought I suck? Throughout my journey, I have been in the constant search of worthiness, and I just decided I’m not gonna look for why this or that. It’s gotten in the way of my business and everything I do want and desire.

Sorry for the heavy download but where can I go with this. Thanks