I don’t know how to ‘be’ on my own

I’m going through a divorce with my husband

I’m really struggling with it even though Its mutual, although, I feel he is way more sure about the divorce than me. I suspected that he may be gay and he said he’s unsure but have had thoughts about men. If i was fully invested in the relationship I think I should have been devastated and shocked, but I actually just felt like he had told me the news, I wasn’t shocked or hurt it was just like ‘well yeh’. i keep worrying we are making the wrong decision and then I think he may be gay so theres no point in me saying anything. He has already said he is sure he wants the divorce. why am i questioning things when i was totally sure this was right a few weeks ago. maybe its because i dont want to feel the pain.

we have always been very close and on the rare occasions he would be away for work I noticed, I don’t know how to just ‘be’ on my own, I would watch tv but i’m not really watching it, it’s like i’m pretending, it could be something really funny but i don’t laugh, it’s like im always waiting for him to get back, yet if he’s here with me I’m watching it properly and will laugh and relax, its occurred to me I don’t know how to enjoy being alone.. i don’t know what to do, and now he’s left i feel dreadful. everything feels pointless , everything looks different and i feel physically uncomfortable at all times and am constantly distracting myself with social media.