Oh my, God! This is what mind blown feels like? I didn’t really know until now. I am so excited and enthused and motivated. Life seems ecstatically good all of a sudden and it’s such dramatic reversal from earlier this morning. Who needs to create drama when life can feel like this from revelations? Oh my, God.
Right out the gate with Scholars I lost 55 pounds. I just followed the protocol for NSNF and intermittent fasting. It seemed easy. I felt so comfortable doing it and the pounds just melted off. I thought I had this weight/food problem licked forever. Then I hit the last 10-15 pounds. I’ve played grab ass, binged, hated myself, and wrestled like a bear with my mind. And gained and lost the same 5 pounds for 5 months. I got live coaching, tutoring, did models everyday and…..same game kept playing out.
Then came March. I’ve known for a week or so now that I am hitting my “upper limit” with my thoughts about weight loss. And yesterday it became clear that I believe I am a person who can lose weight, and also believe I am a person who struggles with my weight and food. Hitting goal and staying there with the same ease that I lost the weight with now looked impossible. And that didn’t make any sense to me until this morning. It looked impossible because I was desperately trying to hold those two thoughts in my brain; I am someone who struggles with food and weight and I am someone who doesn’t.
THIS is what “feeling like ass” means??!!
For so long, I’ve thought this feeling and shit hole of thinking was proof of the fact there there was something essentially wrong with me. I was broken in a way no one else was and I’d better keep it hidden behind a veil of capability so no one would suspect how fucked up I was.
And it’s just feeling like ass? Half of life is supposed to feel like this? And I have the tools to feel it and know it is not a fatal flaw?
I can go on.
PS – Seriously. Over 30 years of therapy over depression and suicidal tendencies and a host of other scary diagnoses. And it was just my ass. Sheesh.