I Want to Take Exquisite Care of Myself

I’m currently on sick leave due to Covid.

As I’m navigating this new situation, I’m facing a lot of thoughts about not working, not having control over how I feel, having to change my work out schedule and my daily schedules, with fluctuating energy and thus challenges to plan my days.

An intentional thought is I want to take exquisite care of myself.

I’m challenged by unintentional thoughts as: I should be better by now, I should be working by now, I don’t know anybody with ambition who is taking so much time off, I’m weak and selfish etc.

I’m often unsure about how much I should be doing vs resting and missing working out on the one hand but feeling my body needs rest.

Because it’s currently not measurable how much healing I already did, I’m feeling unsure if I’m connected enough with my body to fully understand. So, I feel uncertain about the future: when can I go back to work, when will I feel better etc

I wish I could surrender to these uncontrollable circumstances and support myself the best way possible. But I find myself easily triggered by well-intentioned messages from friends asking how I’m feeling and what I have done that day. So, I’m constantly looping on the unintentional thoughts of failing myself and them.

I notice that I’m a lot harder on myself than I thought but of course I’m faced with a lot of time to think now that I’m not working. Not working challenges the idea of myself that I can take care of myself and that I am independent. I want to be kinder to myself as I am just sick and experiencing the less comfortable 50/50, but I don’t really know how.