I love that your impossible goal of 10mill in 10 years also includes it being on your terms.
I have made such incredible progress these last 6 months growing my business, evolving as an entrepreneur and woman and also keeping very disciplined working hours. At times I find I need to go out of those lines because I’m doing something brand new and way underestimated the time it would take and how quickly I could keep it up, but I’ve learned quickly and have become a better planner.
I’ve also been disciplined about not indulging in stress and not letting worry thoughts spill over into family time. Here is where I struggle though – I have always been very flexible in our family’s life and because my husband had the more traditional role and was successful, and my career was untraditional and “uncertain” in his eyes, I’ve grown it when I could. And I also want to be very present for my young children. But I also absorb things just so I don’t have to put up with his criticism of me. I still work way less than him, am set to make way more money and be more successful than ever, but he criticizes me every time I’m tired or ask for a little more help with the kids. And I know I must be thinking in those moments but I can’t even think straight, I just feel like a wounded animal. I have been very clear and articulate and used a calendar to communicate my needed boundaries but the second I make a mistake, or don’t plan, he criticizes me -and right where it hurts by saying something about how I should have it more together and pay more attention to my family, especially since part of my career is a life coach and I say I want to be a wonderful mother.
I get so angry – then he gets very self-righteous and gets to remind me of how angry and out of control I am. And then I really feel like shit and like I’ve failed my children. I don’t want to get a divorce right now because I don’t want to put my children through that. But I don’t want to put them through fights like tonight either. I have a huge impossible goal for me/my business/career this year and the thing that terrifies me most is that me stepping out into the world will bring up all of my ugly via the very ugly, angry way I react. And the other way – of just absorbing it and laying down when he does this that undermine my goals (like simultaneously scheduling me to do something when I have already something planned and on the calendar and then somehow turning that around to make it feel – even to me in the end, which makes me feel crazy!- like it was my fault all along) is also not working for me anymore. I hate playing the victim but I feel like I am putting myself in that role either way.
I was inspired by how you describe your 180 with your mother. There have been times I felt like I got there with him. And then times like this come along and I feel gutted and I just don’t like him. I even feel like I hate him. I know that is a choice, and such a terrible one to feel. I feel terrible. It doesn’t feel like a choice. Maybe it feels more powerful? I just don’t want to fight like this anymore. I hate me when we fight. Which I also wouldn’t choose from a higher place. It makes me either want to stay small or get out.