In the thick of negativity

I am having so many relationship issues. I feel overwhelmed and in such a negative space about it. I want more from my partner, I want progress and feel at a standstill, I am afraid to leave because I don’t want to deal with that grief, I want to stay because I love him and he is great in many ways, I don’t want to stay because it has been so hard with him this year and I can’t be that hard to love!
How do I clear all this mess up? I am doing thought downloads but it is like they just keep bringing up all the mess in my head.

Currently Im thinking he spent NYE with another woman but I have no way of proving that. I know bringing it up to him again will be as I don’t trust him. I don’t know how to get the thought out of my mind and let it go since I have no proof and he said he was just home playing video games.

I have this pattern I am stuck in negative assumptions and feelings and I blame it all on him – I feel stuck – I know i’m not stuck because the SCS teaches me i’m not. I want to get out of this hole of negativity in this relationship. I want to escape it without any pain (lol like thats possible)I don’t know if escaping is the answer though.

Honestly, I have never really had a healthy positive relationship and I have been cheated on and treated poorly in my past, all while giving the men my all. I never chose right because I didn’t know my value as a woman and human.
SO then I didn’t date for over 10 years to block it all out.. that was not the answer because now at 36 i’m back where I left off with men.
Im great at work or with friends, men are my achilles heel.
I know my value more now and I just want to be happy with or without him, to trust myself, and have my own back. I want to have compassion and trust. Overall I just want PEACE. Im desperately searching for it.