Facts: Mary wants my husband Mark to be Health Care Proxy. She states her other son Jim is too sensitive and sentimental and she does not want him to prolong her life with medical intervention. Mary and Mark told Jim he could be listed as second and that of course Mark would consult with him. Jim states no one listens to him and is offended. I say take Jim’s name completely off and tell him he can give his opinion but it will be 100% up to Mark. This will ensure Mary’s wishes and avoid fighting and around the death bed. Mary won’t.

Fact: Mary wants Mark to manage the Trust. Same situation. Jim is upset and states Mark and I are manipulating Mary. Jim has little money, not working, owes Mary money, lives with a new girlfriend in an apt. Jim and girlfriend state Mary is getting dementia and needs them to move in and care for her. Mary says no, she does not want them move in until she needs help. Mark and I feel Mary is sharp and independent.

Jim is a hoarder and has filled Mary’s home with all his things so there are no spare empty rooms, no ability to park in garage and basement is also unusable. Mary and Mark asked Jim to start moving his things out last January so if someday Mary needs help there is room for Jim or a hired caregiver. Jim has not moved anything out. He is “too tired, too stressed, had surgery on both of his thumbs”. Mary feels bad for him and enables him.

Mary came this weekend for help with getting her trust, finances and DPOA in order. Jim found out and now says he does not want Mark in charge, he wants a third person. Liz doesn’t know of a third person. We suggest she designate her lawyer. She is unsure and wishes her sons would not fight and hopes Jim will cooperate. She wants both names left on the trust.

Circumstance: Mary is stalling her plans, worried about Jim because he is “so sensitive”

Circumstance: Mark told Mary and Jim he does not want or expect anything from Mary, Jim can have all of it and Mary should hire a lawyer to manage the trust. Mary does not want that so will not move forward. She wants her sons to get along and Mark to manage all the paperwork because it would be too much of a burden on Jim. Even with Mark stating he wants nothing at the time of her death, Jim can have everything, Jim is still not satisfied.

Circumstance: If Mary dies, Mark can’t sell house as it is full of Jim’s things and Jim isn’t going to empty it because he can’t pay for storage.

Thought; Jim will move in and house will not be sold and my husband will be half liable for property tax as half owner as per trust. Somehow we are going to get financially screwed and liable for Jim’s irresponsibility, debts that Mary usually bails him out of.

Feeling: worried, angry with Jim and Mary!!!!!!!!

I want to detach but when I start to think how this could drain our/my finances to continue to enable Jim I get furious. How can I get detangled. Should I stop worrying about the future and deal with it when Mary dies as opposed to trying to get things arranged now? I am tense about it and I am having angry thoughts about my husband that he doesn’t get more forceful with getting himself off these legal things.

SOS. Thank you