I had a mentor who talked nonsense about me and created a lot of drama in a friend group we shared. She talked about me to our mutual friends, she spent a lot of time tearing me down, in person one-on-one, in front of others and also behind my back. I have plenty of direct quotes and specific behaviors that she did that I have done models on but I was instructed once that by inserting the actual words she spoke were probably causing me emotion in the C line, and that the C line is better off neutral. So I stripped it of any emotion and left it “friendship changed.” When do we keep the actual words or actions in the C line vs. when do we sanitize the circumstances.
Is it ever appropriate to just think that someone’s behavior is disgusting and then decide you want nothing to do with them? By believing that her actions were terrible, then I can move on wit the thought “of course, who wouldn’t move on?” or “I’m completely justified here in moving on”. But, to get to that thought, I have to believe her actions were terrible and that gets me far from viewing circumstances as neutral. I’m confusing myself here. What I want is to simply move on and not care about this, not spend any more time or energy thinking about it.
C- Friendship changed
T- So what?
A- Move on without drama or analyzing or searching for justification to move on
R- Over it
C- Friend told another friend, Steve, that she was uncomfortable because “I liked her too much”
T- It’s really terrible of her to imply to our friends that I was inappropriate with her when I wasn’t
A- Want to blame her for her bad behavior, want to defend myself, want to avoid the embarrassment this is causing me, worry about what she is saying to other people
R- Still thinking about this stupid situation that I want to move on from.
C- Friend told another friend that she could not sleep in a tent with me on out trip to Mount Shasta
T- That implies something is wrong with me
F- Hurt (again)
A- Really wonder what the hell I did that would make this person (my mentor of nearly 3 years) start to say these things, review my actions over and over and over, get very annoyed at the wasted time
C- Friend told another friend, a running buddy, that she no longer wanted to run with me in the group because I “run too fast”
T- That’s just an excuse to cut me out of this friend group / why are you gunning for me like this?
F- Hurt (again)
A- Think about my behavior, find proof that actually I accommodate all running speeds, it has always been more important to socialize on my runs than run fast, look for evidence that this person is trying to cut me out of this friend group and wonder what I did to deserve this.
R- Still thinking about it and getting more and more annoyed that I cannot get over this
C- Friend told me “I will not go on the trip (without mutual friends) if you go”
T- Why is this happening?
F- Hurt again
Losing steam here. I just want to be done with this model, but apparently I am not done
thanks for your help.
My questions is something like is it better to just strip out the facts if they are really terrible facts that cause emotion or is it better to stick with the facts?
What if I never can think her behavior was neutral, or my brain likes to think her behavior was awful and that’s how I will move on?