Hi Brooke,

I’m a brand new scholar and I am bit struggling with a model on my relationship with my boyfriend.

Two years ago, I made the decision to move from France to the Netherlands to live closer to my boyfriend. He never really asked me to do so but I was willing to give a chance to this relationship and I have always been excited to live in different countries so that was not a hard choice for me. When I arrived in the Netherlands, I decided to live in Amsterdam, the capital, while my boyfriend was still living in his home town, Rotterdam. I didn’t like Rotterdam that much and thought it would be easier for me to find a job and build up a network in Amsterdam so I did and we were both fine with that decision.

Within a few months I found a job, but I wouldn’t see my boyfriend more than 2 times per week and I wouldn’t make friends easily and I would therefore feel super lonely in Amsterdam. Then I realized that it didn’t make much sense to live in my boyfriend’s country without being able to see him as often as I wanted. So I suggested him to live together. He was open to the idea but refused to live anywhere else than in Rotterdam because his job, friends and family were there. For me living together was more important than the location so although I still loved Amsterdam better, I decided to make the effort to live in Rotterdam for him.

1,5 years later, we still live in Rotterdam. This is not my favourite city but I can’t say I’m unhappy either. We rent a very pleasant appartement, super well located and way cheaper that what we would have paid in Amsterdam. I didn’t make so many friends but our relationship is going very well and I am very grateful for that.

A few weeks ago we started to talk about buying an appartement together. At this time I felt the need to be very transparent and tell him that although I didn’t hate Rotterdam, I was not really able to picture myself buying an appartement and live in this city for the next 5 to 10 years. I told him that if we would buy an appartement I wanted it to be in Amsterdam.
[To give you some more context information he has always been conditioned to not like Amsterdam because his family and friends hate Amsterdam (there is a real rivality between the two cities) but in fact since we are together he started to like Amsterdam. We spend a day there once in a while and I know that he really enjoys it. However for his close ones leaving there would be a total non sense]
After long discussions, he told me that he was ready to make an effort and quit his job and so we could buy an appartement and live together in Amsterdam.
When he told me that, I was obviously super happy but then I started to feel guilty. I know how hard it is to quit job, friends and Family and although I don’t ask him to change country like I did for him, I feel guilty to ask him to make this step for me. I am also worried that if he doesn’t like Amsterdam, he might not be happy and this might affect our relationship. When I feel guilty I try to tell myself ”I made so many efforts for this relationship, that’s now his turn”, ”I deserve it’, ”if he loves me, as much as I love him everything will be fine” but those thoughts don’t really help. In fact they make me feel even more guilty because they make me wonder if it’s not just my ego that wants him to give a proof that he loves me as much as I do by doing something similar as I did for him a few years ago.

Could you please help me?