Marriage, Divorce, Clean Pain, Dirty Pain, Arguing with Reality – Part 2

Marriage, Divorce, Clean Pain, Dirty Pain, Arguing with Reality – Part 2

Hello, thank you so much for the clear response to my less than clear question.

Yes, what you said my current model might look like is exactly what it looks like – wow! Although I don’t know I had it so clearly before. Thank you! That is exactly it.

C: Husband said, “I’m committed to a divorce”
T: I don’t believe in divorce
F: conflicted
A: Think of how it shouldn’t be happening, wonder how I could have prevented it, blame him, blame myself, take responsibility for his actions.
R: I am in a state of disbelief and arguing with reality.

I also don’t believe in cheating either, but the model would probably look similar.

RE the optional intentional model suggested, or the model I could choose:
C: Husband said, “I’m committed to a divorce”
T: It was always meant to end up this way
F: peace
A: process any pain that comes up, recognize that some marriages are meant to end because they do, don’t argue with reality.
R: I recognize how everything is working for me.

When I tell myself
T: it was always meant to end up this way
the rest of my model looks like this:
F: sad/hopeless
A: try to figure out how I could have seen this before marrying him so I wouldn’t have married someone who believes in cheating, lying, and divorce.
R: different state of disbelief, arguing with reality, and doubting my ability to pick a partner going forward, since it seems I can’t spot a liar/cheater ahead of time (though this is the first time I’m aware I’ve had a cheating partner).

I’m sitting here wondering if, I have to change my values/belief from:
You should be committed to your spouse, not cheat, tell the truth, work through things instead of giving up.
???? actually I’m not sure??? I don’t really want to believe… You can never really rely on anyone, so don’t count on any relationship….

It seems to not really value relationships and to go against attachment theory, and studies that those with better social networks are biologically healthier and live longer.

I also wonder if the following thought would be better: You never know what anyone will do at any moment until the moment has come. but my model goes like this then:
F: hopeless
A: either try very hard at relationships, or feel this is so superficial or transient that I am dis-incentivized to put effort into relationships
R: do not feel close to people, or feel close but on edge because you never know when they will do something that damages the relationship.

Okay. So also not the R I want.

I understand (though don’t like) the idea of not having a person in my R line… but then, it seems as if any person is interchangeable with another and that feels strangely devaluing to me, of any individual or relationship.

Is my only way to peace to just float through life without close relationships with mutual respect, consideration, care?

Thank you!!!