Model for Interaction with Husband

Hi Brooke!

First, I admire you and commend your work. You have already been so helpful to me just listening to your podcasts for a few months.

I’m hoping you could validate my model. It’s shocking how quickly a positive mindset can get completely derailed by poor thinking.

Today my husband “huffed” at me when I couldn’t divert my complete attention to his non-urgent phone call. I was in the middle of shuffling two kids to two different sports starting within 15 minutes of each other. (I tell him he acts like a 14 year-old when he does that and he freely admits he is a “huffer”.)

After picking up the kids to take them to meet dad at the golf course, they were naturally STARVING! I had to make a quick decision between the closet food options: either Wendy’s (unhealthy) or the country club (drives up monthly food bill). I chose unhealthy only because I THOUGHT it would be the option that would get me in the least amount of “trouble”. (I am a grown-up and I actually think that way; and even “pre-planned” my smart remark back if he said anything about my choice.)

Of course at dinner he says, “Oh Wendy’s, that’s healthy”, and I deliver my response: “I thought it would get me in less trouble than spending money at the club.” He [sniped] back that [“my decision was clearly wrong because] we haven’t even met our food minimum at the club and should eat there more.” NOTE: I don’t think he actually sniped but rather just stated. AND, he didn’t actually say the [my decision was clearly wrong] part. :

Here is my model. My biggest concern is that I do not think I am correctly perceiving reality, which then causes faulty thinking.

C: Kids are starving. Husband is huffy and often makes biting, insensitive remarks.
T: I have to chose where to eat based on what will get me in the least amount of “trouble”.
F: Bitter, mad, resentful
A: Act terribly snippy and mean; make biting remarks to husband in front of kids
R: Feel awful and so sorry for myself. Sit in my study crying. (But at least not drinking because I’ve COMMITTED to 100 days).

While trying to correct this model I do this:

C: Husband is huffy and often makes biting, insensitive remarks.
T: My love language is words of affirmation. How can I possibly live with a man who is as direct and insensitive as my husband.
F: Utter despair and hopelessness
A: Start crying even more

I have to stop and try again because this is usually when I open the wine.

C: Kids are starving. My husband is in fact huffy (this is provable) and has a direct, straight-to-the point communication style.
T: After 10 years with this strong, capable, amazing father who makes me laugh and makes my life wonderful, WHY ON EARTH would I take his comments personally? He doesn’t mean criticism, just giving feedback (he says this!). I can develop a plan to prevent emergency food situations resulting in bad eating, and I am a ROCK STAR at putting into place new routines and habits.
F: Confident and proud because I am such a good mother.
A: I add cheese sticks and other healthy snack packs to my weekly grocery list, and ALWAYS pack snack coolers for the kids on days when kids have multiple sports.
R: Heathy kids, happy husband, and happy mom.

Thanks for your feedback.

P.S. – I haven’t looked in detail at your weight loss info. yet, but I was 15 pounds overweight in March of this year. I found a dr. who treated me like I had early onset insulin resistance. I lost 40 pounds in 7 months, and have been at that weight since, even through the holidays. I eat exactly like you. Once I was fat adapted (which took longer than I think I was willing to give it in the past) my appetite changed completely! It is truly a miracle and I can testify to what you are doing.