I’m in this weird cycle with my mom where I feel like she’s blaming me for her thoughts and actions. I’m not sure where to go in the model when she says something that I perceive as untrue for me. She lost my dad 5 months ago and they had a very argumentative relationship. I feel like she’s substituting me in his place, but I don’t want to argue. If I ask her to go for a walk (which she says she intends to do every day), she says, “No, because I won’t be able to walk as far as you need to make it worthwhile for you.” If she sleeps in till noon when she’s staying at my house, she says, “You were going to wake me up at 10:00.” When I ask why she insists her lawyer meet us outside when she’s willing to be inside with others and I’ve suggested a conference room, she says “I did it for you. You seem to want to be safer than me.”

C: Mom said, “You were going to wake me up at 10:00.”
T: No, I didn’t
F: Attacked
A: Tell her I didn’t say that. Tell her I was busy working this morning. Tell her there’s a clock in her room if she needs to know what time it is. Get frustrated that she can’t accept reality.
R: In the same back and forth she had with my dad.

I’m giving you the little example in hopes I can make progress in my own thinking, but this is showing up everywhere in our relationship – most contentiously when I try to provide the help she’s asked for in settling my dad’s estate.

I’ve thought through other potential thoughts – She’s unable to accept responsibility for herself, She’s doing the best she can, She misses the banter with my dad…