So my mom and I have a history of having a very complicated relationship. From a young age she has told me that ‘I’m going no where in life’ and always prioritized my brother’s needs over mine. She would exercise her control over me financially, and would not allow me to get a job as a young adult as a way of exercising her control over me. This being said- I love my mom, and she did do a lot of me growing up. She paid for me to go to a private school, would drive me to extra lessons etc. But she would just emotionally manipulate me & belittle me as well. After years of therapy, I realised that she perhaps has an undiagnosed mood disorder which she refuses to get help with.
I have a very good relationship with my dad and adore him. He still lives with my mom purely because they have many assets that they share ( he shares the same sentiments as me with her intense mood swings etc). I love my dad so much, and visit him once a week. When I visit him, my mom is sometimes there too. She will often either ignore me completely, or come and patronise me by saying nasty remarks like “How can someone like you afford to pay rent” and “you’re looking terrible” etc. I used to get so upset over these things but lately I have found comfort in the thought “she is not well” to be very helpful.
Through this, I was able to view her in a compassionate way and was a lot more kinder in my responses to her and approach towards her.
However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to remain calm around her and be genuine. I feel when she puts me in compromising situations, or disrespects me, although I do not believe what she says I am starting to question the validity of our relationship. I am starting to question what value it brings to my life to have her in it. A part of me feels like the best thing i can do for me is to completely cut her off in every way ( we do not talk (her choice), but what I mean is set stricter boundaries with not going to visit my dad and asking him to visit me) but another part of me has this deep compassion for her that I feel that she can’t help her illness and that she is my mom.
Lately I have been finding it harder to ‘keep my cool’ around her and feel an anger towards her. I am getting married in a couple of months, and feel extremely torn. On the one hand she often disrespects me, my fiance etc. and at our engagement she totally went with this and just bought negativity, on the other hand she is my mom and there are worse moms out there and although she did emotionally manipulate me etc. she always made sure I had the best education, a warm bed and food growing up. I am torn about whether or not she should be at my wedding? I don’t know what decision would be best because like I said, its becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the things she says/does and don’t feel like I want to be focusing on that on my special day?