Something happened at work and my boss got very angry.
He said some things that were aimed at everyone involved.
I had a relatively small part to play in the problem but I have the most authority so I take the most responsibility in the fact it wasn’t solved before it got to him to solve.
2 days later I’m still battling with all my feelings about the situation.
He was very cold towards me yesterday but today we are basically back to our normal (good) relationship.
I feel some peace about my mistakes leading to the situation. I started off super dramatic about the fact that I made a mistake. I felt so much shame and disgust in my myself. I told myself I was useless. But I did models and came to an acceptance. Sometimes I make mistakes and that’s ok.
But I’m still having trouble with my thoughts about my boss.
My thought download:
He thinks i’m useless. He thinks i’m an idiot. He thinks its all my fault. He thinks I don’t care.
All those thoughts created such shame for me. And embarrassment.
And the actions I got from those feelings were: not doing good work, being useless, giving up, making bad decisions.
And of course the results were as above.
Now he didn’t call me any of those things, I have no way of knowing that was what he was thinking. But it felt so real and true for me that I could barely function. I couldn’t until today even examine the thoughts, I just binged for 2 days. And cried. It seems a bit ridiculous now in hind sight.
I guess reading through all this now shows me that likely I projected those thoughts onto him. Because I was so busy beating myself up.
But maybe he did think I was useless at the time. He has been known to say nobody can solve any problems without him. I spend my life trying to prove my worth and usefulness and normally I’m rewarded with his approval.
Now I realise how dependent I am on that approval and when its gone I suffer.
So I guess all this is a roundabout way to come to the conclusion that I need to work on my people pleasing or my thoughts on other peoples opinions of me.
c my boss
t I need him to be impressed
a scared to make mistakes, scared to engage
r not likeable, i dont like myself and my work is not good
c my boss
t All i can do is my best. I can’t control how he feels.
a Keep doing my best
r My best work gets done
Thank you for reading my long story. i appreciate any input or directions.