my ex

I dated someone for about 3 years. When we started our relationship, I went into it with thoughts like “we’re going to break up eventually” “im not committed to this” “he’s not the love of my life” “there’s something missing”.

I never let those thoughts go because I didn’t really want to. I thought there was always going to be someone better to come along. I left him about 2.5 months ago. As I was leaving, I thought “I’m going to start a whole new life and it’s going to be amazing”. SHOCKER, it’s NOT amazing, in fact it’s been the longest 2.5 months I’ve ever experienced. I cry every single day and my depression is at an all time high. I feel so silly for not just trying harder to change my thoughts about my ex.

It’s true I don’t really miss him as a person, per say. I miss the life we created. I do miss his company and the things we did together. I don’t long to see HIM specifically though, and that’s where I get tripped up.

We had a fantastic life. It’s true, I don’t think he’s “the love of my life” and I don’t really feel an overwhelming feeling of passion towards him…but I am starting to think it’s really not necessary to have such things in a relationship. We were constantly laughing, I felt supported by him, and we trust each other. He let’s me be whoever I want to be. Why did I want any more than that?!

I think I really want to go back to him and back to our lives that I left, but I will say I’m a little worried I’m doing it because I’m lonely. For example, what if there was a different guy out there who I can feel is “the love of my life” or overwhelming passion for, but I’m going to block him because I want my comfortable life back with my ex? These are the questions that go through my head. But THEN I think “I don’t think I can access those emotions. It’s just not who I am” and I’m fine with that. I cringe when I see people get married. I don’t think I even believe in “true love” and again, those beliefs don’t feel painful to me.

Sometimes I just get so so so so so so excited to run back to where I came from and forget these past couple months even happened, but I’m having trouble deciding if I’m just taking the easy way out and changing the C in order to feel better.