Hi,
One of the reasons I joined scholars was to work on my relationship with my stepdaughters. To really feel connected with them.

I didn’t grow up with a real close relationship with my parents and now believe that there was attachment issues. (Yes I just noticed as I am typing that this is a thought that I have chosen to believe…). I will do a model on this..

Ok – well to my work. The problem I have had in the past is that I want to be more loving, more caring and compassionate and I just don’t know how. I don’t have the vocabulary or any role model or experience. However, I have no issues with attachment and lover for my husband. I love him – very much. We are close, completely honest and I can love on him, show him, tell him and I feel totally connected to him. I think it is because of all of the love stories I have watched over the years and Bachelorette and all of the practice with previous relationships. Every one I learned from and showed up differently in each new one until I met my husband at 40. I don’t have any practice or role models for being the mom I want to be. His 17 year old has been living with us full time for 3 years. We have a positive relationship, but I would like a more connected one.

I do my homework and the feeling I want to have is the same every day. To feel more compassionate, connected. And I don’t know how. I don’t know how to ‘act as if’ I was. So I will work on acceptance of who I am. Since joining scholars and doing the work, I have never felt so strong and confident in who I am. I love it.

I find myself not wanting to do homework each day because it feels like ground hog day and I am not moving forward. We are supposed to pick the emotion we want to feel that day and then act ‘as if’. If I do my homework, I will usually pick something else that I can be successful on, but most days, avoid homework. Any suggestions?

FOLLOW UP

I just did my model for my parents

Unintentional
C- my parents
T -I didn’t have a close relationship with them, don’t have appropriate attachment
F – abandoned, detached
A – act scared, pull away in relationships
R – an Ok relationship with my stepchildren and others. Relationships feel detached.

Intentional
C – my parents
T – They did the best they could, they loved me the best way they could. They are positive, loving, dedicated parents (they were. They were there for us always, when we needed them. Not abusive or negative. I will normally think of them in a neutral way). But they really are from a different generation and did the best they could. They are loved in their community as genuine, caring people.
F – Love for them
A – Show up in the world as loving, love them, wanting to show love to others
R – Feel so much more love and an ability to show love

This really feels empowering and I feel like I am in a totally different space to offer love and compassion to my stepdaughters and feel more connected to them.