Nephew passed

My 23 year old nephew took his life. It couldn’t have been any worse. He used a gun my sister gave him for Christmas and his father (a police officer) was on duty and was the first officer to arrive on the scene. I do not have children and I was his second Mom. He’d fought depression for a while but at the time it happened everything in his life was going great. He had lots of close friends, was very successful in college and a body builder. The day he passed he’d had lunch with his Dad, worked out and had some long time friends over for dinner. It caught all of us totally off guard.

It’s been a year since he passed. At first I didn’t have a moment in wake or sleep that didn’t revolve around our loss. Now a year later it flashes into my brain 2-3 times a day. I’ll be feeling great and a song will come on or I’ll walk past a photo in my home or on my phone, and my thoughts plunge into a dark place. The pain of losing him and how he chose to leave this earth fill my mind. I think lately I try most often to push them away. I did not do this in the beginning. I used SCS to go thru the pain of all of it. From seeing him for the first time, to the funeral to trying to get back to living again. Now a year later I don’t know how much time to let the painful thoughts stay in my mind. So I just push the thoughts away and onto something else. Something happier.

I did models in the beginning but the only emotion I ever want to put in is sadness. I’ve tried the thoughts that “he is at peace” etc which could possibly bring the emotion of acceptance but it fills hollow and untrue. I’m okay with feeling sadness over losing him.

I know the teaching about suppressing emotion is like trying to hold a beach ball under water. I understand that. My question is at what point do I just let the emotion take over and ride it out and at what point is it indulging an emotion. When the sad thoughts come it would be easy to drown in them changing the mood of my entire day.

Thank you for your thoughts