On the loss of my horse

Hi Brooke
I could use some guidance.

I had to have my horse put down on Saturday night. She was 21 years old and she’s been in my life since she was 4. I thought I wasn’t that attached to her as I had lived overseas for 4 years and in the 4 years I’ve been back only seen her every couple of weeks.
My best friend has taken care of her so well for the past 10 years while I have covered the costs.

There were times that I resented the cost and that makes me feel guilty now.
(I had done a lot of models on it and mostly found a way to pay the money happily. )

But this week she got sick suddenly and over 4 days got worse and worse until we decided we couldn’t let her suffer anymore. Both my friend and I are vets and we did our best to help her and give her every chance but she didn’t respond to treatment.

So I’m walking around with a heavy purse as I slowly come to terms with what’s happened.

Mainly I feel shocked that this has happened. I thought she would live many more years.
And then I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough or help enough.

Actually the main reason I’m speaking to you is I just keep reliving the events of that night. I keep seeing it happen over and over.
I know it’s natural to grieve. And I’m trying to give myself space for that and be patient.

But the actual trauma of the event of making the decision to euthanase. And walking her to the spot and handing the lead over is all my brain wants to keep replaying.
Should I let it keep playing? I don’t know if it’s making things worse.

Writing it down like this has made me cry but I kind of feel better. Maybe my brain has been replaying it because I’ve been resisting it.

Any words of wisdom would be welcome.
I deal with a lot of euthanasia in my job and I often think that the trauma of being present at the event adds another dimension to the grief of losing the pet.

Maybe because there is so often guilt attached to the decision.

I’m sorry if this has been a winding question. Thank you for being there to listen.

Love Lynsey