Overeating and frustration

I’ve been slowly gaining back 50lb lost, then losing 7lbs, then regaining for weeks and weeks on end. I keep thinking thoughts like I’m afraid to gain back all of the weight I’ve lost. I’m super frustrated and ashamed that I am overeating again, eating flour and sugar again. I find myself looking for a compelling reason to lose weight. But then think thoughts like…well, maybe you don’t really want to lose the weight and that’s why you keep sabotaging yourself.

But I do really want to lose the weight. I do really want to get and stay under 200lbs. It’s as though wanting it just for the sake of wanting it isn’t enough. Why is that? Why can’t it simply be that I want to be under 200lbs bc I simply freaking said I would. I want my internal desire to lose weight to be good enough bc I still find myself looking for so anexternal factor, or someone to please with my weight loss.

Then if somebody notices the weight loss then I freak the fuck out. So either way I feel stuck. Lose weight then fear rejection. Then can’t lose weight unless I’m doing it to please someone else. Then if the someone else notices…ahhh…its like I’m stuck in this horrible fucking loop.

I apologize for the curse words and the rambling nature of this post, but I know I needed to reach out for help rather than sitting in a solo shame closet.