Painful relationship with depressed teen son

I want help with my relationship with my son. He’s been hospitalized for suicidal ideation four times, was angry and volatile when he lived with me (when he turned 18 earlier this year I had him go live with his nearby father, against his father’s and his wishes) for my sake and that of my younger two children. He’s still angry with me and our relationship is minimal and strained. I wish he could see all I’ve done for him and I terribly miss the loving little boy he was. He takes jabs at me and yet I want to love and support him. I do love and support him. I’ve done many models about him. I feel like I did the right thing and still it is so painful. I try to think this situation is better for both of us (I do believe it is) that we can move forward to a better relationship (I hope desperately we can). Still it hurts. How can I change my thoughts so it’s less painful?