People Pleasing regrets

Hi! In order to explain why I’m hurting, I just need to explain my story real quick. There was a lot more to this story, but I tried to pick out the most relevant pieces of info.

In 2014 when I got married, I was privileged to have my wedding dress made by my Father in law. (he is a french wedding designer). During the time of my wedding I was so happy to be married that I made conscious efforts not to be a “bridezilla”; meaning, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. My thoughts were very much consumed with the idea of “I don’t deserve to be picky because great things are already happening to me”. I people-pleased everyone and pretty much let my mom take control things that way I wouldn’t be viewed as a bridezilla. My father in law ended up making my dress totally NOT how I wanted, and I felt that it was very unflattering for my plus size figure. At the time I didn’t have the heart to say anything, so I pasted on a huge smile and went on.

Of course now today (2018), I see that I was totally in the wrong by how I acted. I’ve learned since then that being a people pleaser means your lying. Looking back, it hurts me to think that I had to learn this lesson through my wedding of all things. Now that I’ve established this understanding, I’ve decided that I no longer want to be this kind of women. At this point I’m actually disgusted with my old self and its hard for me to even look at my wedding photos in general!

Now then- This circumstance happened a couple weeks ago. Here is my thought model that I want to improve.

C- Talked to mom on the phone. Mom said, “Your nana told me she thought your wedding dress was awful”.
T- they are right, but that is okay. I can make it through this.
A-Tells mom that she isn’t being helpful. Starts bawling after getting off the phone, then proceeds to wallow in my darkness of how my people pleasing ways have ruined some of my best moments in life.
R-Slows me down and doesn’t help my progression of learning.

(okay now here is the BEST BELIEVABLE model I can come up with.

C-Talked to mom on the phone. Mom said, “Yeah, your nana told me she thought your wedding dress was awful”.
T-They are allowed to think what they want. I suppose this is the kind of shit that happens if you lie and people please your whole life.
F-frustrated, and even more sad.
A-I go about my day doing my normal stuff, except I have this looming darkness of shame hovering in my midst.
R-(Still) slowing me down and (still) not helping my progress in learning.

Ultimately, what she says hurts me so badly because I feel that it is true. She and my nana are not the only ones that have said this to me, but I’ve heard from others also. I feel that if I can get clarification on this, then that will help my entire outlook of life right now. I know Brooke says that beating yourself up doesn’t help…

but isn’t my case different since I “was” in the wrong? I was indeed people pleasing, so therefore isn’t this kinda what I get in a way?

Do I just need a major cry session where I learn to forgive myself and move on?

My ultimate goal is to put this “old” version of myself to rest. I’m angry and ashamed with her and never want to be her again. I want to grow and become the woman I’m supposed to be. One of my dreams is to lose my weight this year, buy a dress that I actually love and feel pretty in, and then go get my pictures “re-done”.

Thank you so much for listening!
I’m willing to do whatever it takes to move forward.