Putting pressure on myself

I joined scholars last fall because I realized I did not love myself – and I didn’t even know where to start with that. This was a huge revelation to me. I got the email about the subject for November 2019 being emotional mastery, and hit sign me up! I’m so, so glad I did.

Today, I realized something else. When I’m stressed out, instead of taking something off my plate, being a little kinder to myself… I go full steam ahead the other way. I pile MORE on my to do list. I tell myself I “should” be doing more. I start berating myself that my house isn’t perfectly clean at the same I’m working overtime and flat exhausted. I suddenly find myself thinking I don’t “deserve” to treat myself well. I’m sure you can guess where all this leads eventually – I’m exhausted, make myself sick, miss time at work, and I’m miserable.

Where is all this coming from? My thoughts – SURPRISE!! I often don’t even realize I’m thinking these things, they are so “normal” for me.  I’m trying to think about how I can believe I am enough, more than enough. I don’t have to do everything perfectly, do more than everyone else to be…okay. That’s my story about myself – I need to do more, be more, be better than perfect (gee no pressure) to be … just okay.

Is this something that just …. comes as you continue to work on yourself? continue to grow? I’m 55 and I’ve been doing this…all my life. It’s had some benefits, I’ve been really successful in some areas of my life because I worked hard. Currently though, my health is slipping and I’m feeling I need to tackle it. I just…don’t know where to start.