Can someone take a look at my model?
I did a model on my emotion of rage that I feel when I resist feeling rage about noises people make like crunching or snoring. I’ve apparently decided rage is bad; therefore, I resist ever allowing myself to feel it to really figure out what’s going on.
T: I’m afraid of what I might do if I feel it.
A: Avoid common triggers like people snoring (use ear plugs while sleeping), eating dinners with my boyfriend’s family, socializing with other humans in general, sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend (he snores)
A: Don’t make crunchy or potentially sloppy food for dinner
A: I “hold everything in” – in other words – I freeze. Don’t talk, don’t move/am stiff, basically to avoid doing something that might hurt someone else or let them know I was “rage-ey” (that would, in some sense, alert them to the fact that they’re in possible danger because of something “I might do”)
A: Am on high alert – hyper aware of my words and actions, tone, but also of any sounds around me or people that might trigger the rage
A: Don’t allow myself to freely socialize/ I lock myself away in my house and don’t connect with people (because if they knew I was rage-ey or did something out of feeling rage, they wouldn’t like me, and another thought in a separate model is I want people to like me and/or I need to protect them by not feeling the rage)
A: Don’t show up as myself – I keep all the “bad” in but also all the “good” things I actually like about me so that I don’t accidentally let “anything slip out”
A: I don’t show up calm, relaxed, pleasant, or fun
R: I don’t allow myself to actually experience the emotion of rage.
R: I don’t show up as my authentic self.
R: I’m not living.
R: I exhaust myself.
R: I don’t allow myself to have compassion and curiosity to actually process the rage.
R: I’m literally afraid of being myself. (a little dramatic, maybe?)