Relationship Indecision

I’ve been involved in an off again, on again relationship with M for over a year. We have broken up and gotten back together 6 times. We are broken up right now but still talking. We have broken up for various reasons but usually it’s because of our differences in time management styles.

We agree on a time and about 90% of the time he shows up 40-60 mins after the agreed upon time. I have been coached on this and haven’t been able to be OK with his lateness. He thinks I’m controlling and stuck in my ways. He talks A LOT and doesn’t always listen to me and makes things about him.

He also cheated on me, which he says it was just texting and nothing more but I don’t believe him. He also says it was while we were broken up and I don’t think it was. I don’t trust him or think he’s reliable.

So all this to say part of me still wants to be with him despite all that but I’m not quite sure why. When I think of not being with him I feel very sad. My guess is it’s easy, I’m comfortable with him. When we are together we do have so much fun (as long as I’m not annoyed by his lateness) He does make me laugh and I’m comfortable with him. We have a very strong physical connection and he appreciates my body. He started a new job and they are big on personal development. He’s told me he has a new perspective on life and what’s important.

I know I have a manual for him and expect certain things.

I have dated other men during our times of being broken up and I haven’t connected with anyone the say way I connect with him. So that plays into it as well. Like, there’s no other man I will connect with in this way. (That’s what my brain is throwing up)

How do I make this decision? How do I know if we are enough of a want match? I’m so tired of the back and forth. It’s exhausting and takes up so much brain space. I want to be either in or out. Either choices feel soooo scary.